TRYING NOT TO BE "THAT GUY"

December 7th: Several of us were sent on a mission one like I have never been on before in my life. We had to conduct some recon by air in a blackhawk helicopter. The catch is, an 0-6 Colonel who is one of the big bosses here for a visit, decided to go with us. You know traveling and hanging with a full bird Colonel is like having your grandmother or strict Aunt visit and stay a night or two. You have to do everything just right, you don't want to leave a bad impression and your parents (my bosses here) don't want to be embarrassed by stupid mistakes.

So it stands to reason the best thing to do is to try not to be "that guy." You know who I mean, right? That person people always seem to talk about at parties or other gatherings. People trying to make small talk say "hey do you remember when so and so spilled wine on the bosses wife?" And the reply invariably is "oh yeah that guy." No one wants to be "that guy." But no matter how you try, sometimes you just can't change fate. We all at some point in our lives will inevitably be "that guy." This was my day to be "that guy."

Everything started out fine. We got to the flight line all decked out in our Sunday best, which included body armor, guns, rifles, helmets, glasses - oh yes the glasses and of course "tootsie roll pops." Can't go on a helicopter ride without tootsie roll pops. I am already a little nervous and having to take video footage means I get to be the closest to the wide open door. Nervousness, sun glasses and tootsie roll pops are ingredients for mistakes and they have been mixed together for the day. I don my helmet and try to put on the headset. The gunner on my side is my age or older and an Army National Guard guy who is not in any mood to be sociable, glares at me thru his dark tinted helmet shield while I am trying to look cool. Cool is not working, geekdom is though. While trying to put the darn headset on, my sun glasses, yes my $150.00 Air Force issue sun glasses fall out of the helicopter onto the tarmac and begin to blow away. The blades of the helicopter are whirling, everyone is waiting but the gunner has to get out and retrieve my glasses. So do you think he was happy? No! Do you think he gave them back to me trusting I won't do that again? No! I have suddenly stepped into stardom, I now have become "That Guy."

Do you think the story is over? No way, of course there is more. Now we are ready to take off, I give up trying to get the darn headset on. Unfortunately, I brought along tootsie roll pops. Only a few mind you. Preparing to do video recon from the air, I grab my bag, get my equipment and inadvertently a tootsie roll pop falls to the floor. I try to reach it but can't because of the 60lb vest and being strapped in so tight I can't bend over. And there it sits on the floor. It was a cherry flavored one too, my favorite. I tried kicking it with my foot, desperate to try and grab it before we take off. The engines become louder and louder, the propellers whirl faster and faster and off we go. I then push the pop with my foot and it wedges under the gunners seat. I have visions of the darn pop flying out of the helicopter at 1000 feet above the ground landing on some kids head or some Sheik, or maybe it kills a sheep or camel. Worse yet, maybe it falls in the lap of an insurgent and it pisses him off so he begins to shoot at us. Could the pop become dislodged from the chair due to vibration and fly out of the helicopter into an engine? Headlines Will Read: "THAT GUY downs a blackhawk with a tootsie roll pop, cherry flavored of course." I keep checking on it periodically making sure it stays in place.

My plan when we land is to immediately grab the darn thing. The gunner doesn't know anything about it. Good thing cause I seriously think this dude would have pushed me out at 1000 feet. Finally we land, the flight was great, the camera worked and I didn't drop it out of the helicopter. The gunner gets out first, hands me my glasses, glares at me and motions me to get out. No time to retrieve the pop. Darn it! So there it sat in all its glory, a cherry flavored delight, never to be seen by me again. I just know the gunner will find it, shake his head, put it in his mouth and say WHO THE HELL WAS THAT GUY!

Until next time,

That Guy signing off